Monster
by WeasleySeeker
Summary: Remus is a monster; he hates himself and what he is. Luckily, Sirius is around to remind Remus that life is worth living, and that he deserves to live it. —for Ella.


**A/N: This is for Ella as part of the Gift-Giving Extravaganza - I hope you like it, darling!**

**Also for the All Sorts of Love Competition (slash category) and the As Strong As We Are United Competition.**

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It was definitely one of his worse full moon nights. Maybe the worst ever.

When morning comes, Remus can't bring himself to move. He lies, back in his human form, curled into a ball and surveys the damage he's done. The floor is littered with splintered wood from the furniture he's ripped apart. The paintwork is ruined from where he's clawed at the walls. Remus himself is covered in scratches, too - they extend over his body in all directions, some just angry red marks, others with blood and pus oozing slowly from them.

Tears sting at his eyes. They're not from the pain - he's used to that by now - but they're hopeless tears, angry tears. He sees the destruction in front of him and can't help but think about how if a human got in his way on one of those nights, the same would become of them. They'd be ripped to shreds. He's a _monster_.

He knows that school will have started by now, that people will be wondering where he is, but he doesn't care. He doesn't deserve to be near people. All he can do is lie there in a ball of self-loathing, despising himself and what he is.

The door opens and he flinches, but it's just Sirius.

"Remus? Are you hurt?" he asks urgently, worry clear on his features.

Remus shakes his head.

"Are you sure?" Sirius presses. "You seemed worse than usual last night, so we were worried when you didn't turn up for History of Magic, and - "

"Sirius, I'm not hurt." Remus' voice comes out much more bitter than he intended, but he's past caring. "No more than usual, anyway."

"So what's wrong?"

It's a simple question, but so much is wrong that Remus struggles to find an answer. "This," he says, gesturing at the destruction that's all around them. "Me. What I am. I'm a monster, Sirius." He can barely hold back a sob.

Sirius comes and sits next to him, and while Remus still wants isolate himself from the world, Sirius' warm body beside him is an instant comfort to him. Remus can't bring himself to move away.

"You're not a monster."

"On the full moon, I'd kill someone if they got in my way," he reminds Sirius quietly. "I'm definitely a monster then."

Sirius shrugs. "But you can't change that, so why bother feeling guilty about it? And you know, there are others who turn into a monster once a month. Every girl, for example."

His attempt to lighten the mood is admirable, but it doesn't really make Remus hate himself any less.

"Just go," Remus says wearily. "I don't deserve you as my friend. I don't deserve anyone. I don't even deserve to live. Just leave me here to die."

"No, listen to me!" Sirius commands, forceful for the first time since arriving in the room. "You are not a monster, and you do NOT deserve to die. This... it's not Remus Lupin who does this every month, is it? You don't consciously decide to rip this room to pieces. You wouldn't hurt a fly if you could avoid it. Hell, you wouldn't even hurt _Snivelly_ if you could avoid it, and that's impressive," he adds, and Remus can't help himself from smiling a little at that. "The Remus Lupin I know and love is gentle and kind, and the world would not be a better place without him."

"You really think that?"

"Of course I do, silly," says Sirius, and Remus isn't even sure who initiates the movement, but next thing he knows, Sirius' lips are on his.

Remus has only ever kissed girls before, and he never knew that kissing another man could feel so fantastic. He could drown in Sirius' scent, and the feel of his firm lips and of the stubble on his chin are both entirely new sensations. As he becomes enveloped in Sirius' arms, Remus feels like he's being kissed by someone who will look after him, and that's exactly what he needs right now.

It takes them a while to speak when it's over. It's hard to know what to say after you've spontaneously kissed one of your best friends. One of your best friends who you didn't even know was attracted to you.

"So, you... like men, then?" Remus asks awkwardly, and regrets the phrasing as soon as it's come out of your mouth.

Sirius laughs. "Yes, I'm gay. Girls... they're nice and everything, but they just don't do it for me. You too?"

"No," Remus says, and he sees Sirius' face fall. "I mean, I think I like men _and_ women," he adds hastily.

"You mean you're bi?"

"I'm not sure yet. Probably." There's a pause. "Are you... okay with that?"

"More than okay," Sirius assures him, grinning, and it's like a massive weight has been lifted from Remus' shoulders; he's never told anyone that before. "And hey, I reckon I just bought you some time to work it out."

Sirius is right; a wave of gratitude rushes through Remus. "Thanks," he says, although the word alone will never be enough.

"Don't mention it. Really, don't," Sirius says firmly. He checks his watch. "It's nearly break. Are you ready to go back up there before people start going outside?"

Remus nods; the Shack is starting to get stifling.

"I'm taking you to the hospital wing when we get back to school. No discussion."

He doesn't bother to argue; it's clear that Sirius does care about him, and Remus is sure that he'll find a way to repay him someday. He's indebted enough to him already - Sirius essentially saved his life this morning.

Maybe Remus does turn into a monster at the full moon, but Sirius has done a good job of convincing him that it's the times that he's _him_ that matter. They reach the surface of the Whomping Willow, and for the first time that day, Remus sees that the sun is shining and really begins to appreciate the beauty of the Earth.

Life is worth living, and if Remus can do enough in the times when he's normal to repay his debts to those who have done so much for him, maybe he'll deserve to get the most he can out of it.


End file.
